Title: Handsome Is As Handsome Does
Age and Genre: Adult/Historical Romance
Word Count: 75,000
Query:
This Regency romance is
set in Bath and Gloucestershire in 1817, at a time when England is crippled by
war and poor harvests. Loose behaviour is not uncommon, but just how far will
the love-struck heroine go to win her man, and has she chosen the right one?
This Happy Ever
After story follows the adventures (and misadventures) of young
governess Emma d'Ibert, who is keen to restore the fortunes of her once-noble
family.
To do this she must work
hard, keep her identity secret and try and avoid the pitfalls of living under
the same roof as beguiling rogue, Charles Keane. She has inadvertently made an
enemy of his friend, Viscount Tidworth, who has the power to expose her and
bring her new life crashing down around her ears.
Tidworth's marriage plans
are crushed when a delay on the road, for which he blames Emma, allows another
gentleman to step in and claim his sweetheart. He is furious when Emma, as part
of one of Charles' wicked schemes, attends his charity ball pretending to be a
wealthy countess. Should he unmask her, or save her from disgrace at the hands
of the amorous Charles?
First 250 words
Gloucestershire April 1817
Emma barely understood
what had just happened.
The cart she was
travelling in had been lumbering towards the crossroads when suddenly Carrier
Marshman hauled on the reins, slewing the vehicle sideways and almost toppling
her from her seat. The panicked neigh of a horse followed by an ominous
thump made everything clear. Alarmed at the sight of a hefty cart
bearing down on the crossroads through the obscuring rain, a thoroughbred had
shied and thrown its rider, then bolted off towards Bath.
Horrified, Emma scrambled
down, hampered by her rain-sodden skirts. As Marshman jumped to the ground to
calm his edgy team, she squelched towards the fallen horseman.
He lay supine,
staring up into the leaden sky with a glazed expression, his beautifully cut
riding coat spattered with mud, arms flung out on either side of him as if
welcoming the rain into his embrace. He emitted the occasional groan, but
seemed unable to elevate himself from his unfortunate position.
"Oh sir, are
you alright? Let me help you up."
Blue-grey eyes
flickered towards her face, struggling to focus.
*****
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The Judges
Ayden Morgen
Elsie Elmore
Leigh Statham
Mara Valderran
Stacy Nash
Elisabeth Roderick
Samantha Bryant
&
Me!
The Judges
Ayden Morgen
Elsie Elmore
Leigh Statham
Mara Valderran
Stacy Nash
Elisabeth Roderick
Samantha Bryant
&
Me!
Visitors welcome!
Please comment as to whether this pitch piques your interest and what feedback you have about making it stronger.
Your assessments will be appreciated by the participants.
Your assessments will be appreciated by the participants.
8 comments:
Query: Your first sentence sets the stage for the story, time, place, and the dilemma – loose behavior. Wonderful. The perfect blurb for a back cover!
Add your writing credentials, education, or platform to this query and you're good to go.
250 words. Wonderful introduction, great setting, I'm hooked!
Excellent job!
Your query is solid and allows your voice to come through. So kudos. But I wanted to punch it up a bit. I prefer reading that there are adventures and misadventures than just being told. I tinkered with your words to give you something to think about.
Young governess Emma d'Ibert is keen to restore the fortunes of her once-noble family. Between the war and the poor harvest, the year 1817 has been cruel and England is crippled. Emma refuses to let her family suffer or reputation slide or family starve …or something along those lines.
To do this, Emma must work hard, keep her identity secret and try and avoid the pitfalls of living under the same roof as beguiling rogue, Charles Keane. (So, is the governess job the way she is living under the same roof as Charles? If yes, Might want to find another way to describe her in the first sentence – young noblewoman, etc. Also, a little drama here wold be good. Can you show one or those misadventures?) (and hold up – love beguiling rogue ☺ She has inadvertently made an enemy of his friend, Viscount Tidworth, who has the power to expose her and bring her new life crashing down around her ears. (Does he dangle that in front of her at all? Does he make her suffer at all?)
Tidworth's marriage plans are crushed when a delay on the road, for which he blames Emma, allows another gentleman to step in and claim his sweetheart. He is furious when Emma, as part of one of Charles' wicked schemes, attends his charity ball pretending to be a wealthy countess. Should he unmask her, or save her from disgrace at the hands of the amorous Charles? (nice closing question ☺)
Your first 250
Super strong start but i'd love to see that she is horrified. How bad is the rain sodden skirt? Show me how she lands on horrified because I want a stronger connection.
Your writing is smooth and smart!
best of luck.
Oh no! Another one my comments got lost. I'll give you the truncated version...
First paragraph of query seems to telly to me, so I'd work the information in elsewhere.
250: I would remove the first line...
I don't know why the panicked neigh of a horse and ominous thump would make everything clear. Show us what she's seeing...
This is great writing and a great concept :) Thank you for your entry.
Query: I feel like this query bounces around a bit. We start with setting/genre definition and get to the crucial questions. Then we define the story again. Then we summarize the plot, ending with a question that takes us into another character’s point of view. It feels a bit unfocused and I’m not sure where my attention should be.
First 250 words: The scene works well. I have no trouble understanding what’s going on and enjoyed the image of that man lying in the road.
Oooh I like this one! Especially the start of first chapter. Heaps of imagery!!!!!!
Intriguing without being obscure. Great sense of character and setting already. Well written. I want to read more!
I definitely see publication in your future! Thanks for participating in the Son of a Pitch! You're a talented writer with a great story, good luck!
Definitely should be published. This story seems a bit different from the usually cliched plots, so it will be a fresh read. Besides, from the description given, it will definitely be an interesting and great read as well. I want to read more!
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