Title: HIS SOUL
PURPOSE
Category and Genre: Adult paranormal romance
Word Count: 90,000
Query:
Byron enjoys his damned existence as a vampire until the night he attacks a young twentysomething with a gold cross around her neck. She stirs memories of when he had been human so long ago, and a pang of guilt prevents him from hurting her.
Although red belt librarian Grace is frightened of the vampire, she thinks his act of conscience might mean he isn't damned after all. After another vampire attacks them and destroys the library, Grace convinces Byron he is worth redemption.
The quest for Byron's soul leads them to uncover an ancient conspiracy to keep vampires damned forever—and brings them far closer than either intended.
While rejoining Byron and his soul may save him, it may also kill him.
First 250 Words
Byron curled back his upper lip. "You've displeased me for the last time."
"I'm… I'm sorry. Please." The man backed up, hands raised defensively. As if he could defend himself from Byron. "Please, give me another chance."
He circled around the pathetic man. Illumination from candles flickered against the white walls of his office. Byron never did care for artificial lighting. "Against my better judgment, I already did. Twice. A third chance to wrong me just wouldn't be prudent."
"But… my family…"
Byron held up the faux gemstone. "You think I wouldn't realize it was a fraud?"
"N-no… I never meant… My contact assured me—"
"Your whining grates me." The gemstone ground to red dust in his hand. He opened his fist, allowing the specks to filter to the hardwood floor.
"Please, I can find you—"
"You will do nothing for me."
Byron snatched the man's neck, lifting him a foot above the ground. His hold tightened, the man's eyes bulging, his attempts at fighting growing more pathetic with every passing second until he slumped over.
"You will do nothing for anyone."
He dropped the man onto the floor, on top of the ground stone. Clapping the remnants of red from his hand, Byron stepped over the body and left the office behind. He could have, and perhaps should have fed on the man. Even now, his thirst grew, a pulsating need that could not be denied much longer. Recovering the Ruby Heart could wait.
*****
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Please comment as to whether this pitch piques your interest and what feedback you have about making it stronger.
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7 comments:
Query: Your introductory paragraph sets the stage for a redemption piece. I'm hooked on the premise.
"While rejoining Byron and his soul may save him, it may also kill him." This could be your tagline!
Excellent job!
250 words: This was a shock, which isn't bad. Byron is a vampire, but it had me disliking him and wondering if I care about whether he finds redemption. Maybe consider a scene between Byron and Grace.
I can't find any issues at all with your query...really good job. I do know a lot of agents are apparently backing off of vampire paranormals, but some aren't, and some pubs are still going strong with them...plus, this one sounds good.
First 250 - I'm not particularly predisposed to like this character at this point, but that doesn't bug me, personally :) I actually *like* it. Some might not, but whatevs.
The only thing I would change. "Illumination from candles" seems out-of-voice and almost redundant. You could just say "candles flickered".
Other than that, not sure what to say. Bam! Good entry :)
Your query has a good flow and hits all the marks -only suggestion is to trim some words and make it hit harder in a few places.
I trimmed a few words here and there:
Byron enjoys his damned existence as a vampire. But the young twentysomething with a gold cross around her neck he attacks stirs memories of when he had been human. A pang of guilt prevents him from hurting her.
Although red belt librarian Grace is frightened of the vampire, she thinks his act of conscience suggests he isn't damned after all. After another vampire attacks them and destroys the library,(does he save her? Protect here?) Grace convinces Byron he is worth redemption.
The quest for Byron's soul uncovers an ancient conspiracy to keep vampires damned forever—and brings them far closer than either intended.
While rejoining Byron and his soul may save him, it may also kill him. (and I love this last line)
For your first 250
Great start! I found a few words I want to trim to make the sentences stronger, but the content is good and the pacing is well controlled. I enjoyed your start very much and would keep reading your tale!
The man backed up, hands raised.
He circled the pathetic man.
He opened his fist. The specks scattered/fell to the hardwood floor.
Best of luck!
I know who wrote this one. :D I enjoyed the query letter as well as the excerpt.
Query: Very succinct and to the point. I have a clear idea what the book is about. A couple of things threw me. "Red belt"? A martial arts reference or something else? Seemed like a strange thing to mention when her cross and her reminding him of his humanity seem to be the more important details. The last sentence is weakened by "While." I'd just cut it and say: "Rejoining Byron and his soul may save him, if it doesn't kill him." Feels less wishy-washy to me.
First 250 Words: I'm guessing this is the "before" as in before the new and improved Byron. He definitely plays as jaded and cruel. Good imperious dialogue for him. Watch out for repeated words, like "defensively" and "defend" used in quick succession. "The remnants of red" on his hand, I guess, are from the false jewel that he crushed? Given that he's clapping them off right after killing the man, I wasn't completely sure if it were that or blood. (Though you can't really clap blood off your hands). Last line is quite good, setting up the relic he's apparently seeking.
Thank you for participating in Son of a Pitch. Lots of great information here I hope you found it useful. Good luck!
I love vampire tales and your writing is excellent. Good luck!
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