tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4794648014067102242.post5572957744558452885..comments2024-02-09T19:43:19.860-05:00Comments on DEFENDING THE PEN: BuriedYolanda Renéehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09085436784133103221noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4794648014067102242.post-8236323214722778122016-02-26T12:03:59.952-05:002016-02-26T12:03:59.952-05:00You are so close here. I hope you'll take the ...You are so close here. I hope you'll take the suggestions and achieve the goal of publication. Thank you for participating! Good luck!Yolanda Renéehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09085436784133103221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4794648014067102242.post-55852306785709166852016-02-24T19:48:18.698-05:002016-02-24T19:48:18.698-05:00Query: I like the opening sentence. A nice tension...Query: I like the opening sentence. A nice tension there: choosing your love or the world. It lost focus for me in the next paragraph though. I’ve got an unexplained body and a time machine. Are the two connected? I’d clean up the sentences a bit, looking for any filler words you can take out. Keep the focus on our characters and why we should care rather than a blow by blow of plot. The point of the query is to grab your potential publisher or agent and make them want to read the whole thing, not to summarize. <br /><br />First 250 words: I like the intro. Since the initials CID don’t mean anything to me, I only knew Mike was a cop from reading the query, which made me wonder how he knew this was a death call, rather than thinking something else might be wrong, like cell phone theft. I was also surprised by the lack of internal reaction to the fear of what this phone call means. <br /><br />Hope that’s helpful! -SBSamantha Bryanthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17684962313482409801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4794648014067102242.post-24317543435303070762016-02-24T19:48:09.833-05:002016-02-24T19:48:09.833-05:00Query: I like the opening sentence. A nice tension...Query: I like the opening sentence. A nice tension there: choosing your love or the world. It lost focus for me in the next paragraph though. I’ve got an unexplained body and a time machine. Are the two connected? I’d clean up the sentences a bit, looking for any filler words you can take out. Keep the focus on our characters and why we should care rather than a blow by blow of plot. The point of the query is to grab your potential publisher or agent and make them want to read the whole thing, not to summarize. <br /><br />First 250 words: I like the intro. Since the initials CID don’t mean anything to me, I only knew Mike was a cop from reading the query, which made me wonder how he knew this was a death call, rather than thinking something else might be wrong, like cell phone theft. I was also surprised by the lack of internal reaction to the fear of what this phone call means. <br /><br />Hope that’s helpful! -SBSamantha Bryanthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17684962313482409801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4794648014067102242.post-43391456672289815722016-02-23T16:45:17.842-05:002016-02-23T16:45:17.842-05:00Thanks for all the useful comments! (and all the l...Thanks for all the useful comments! (and all the love)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4794648014067102242.post-21553866927946673662016-02-23T15:07:22.718-05:002016-02-23T15:07:22.718-05:00The concept of your query entertaining! Awesome.
T...The concept of your query entertaining! Awesome.<br />The query is good but I wanted to tinker a bit - so I did.<br /><br />Mike and Sam must save the world from a time loop, but they only want to save each other--and that's what's causing the loop. (like this catchy intro!)<br /><br />After his boyfriend Sam is killed in a car crash, soldier-turned-copper Mike Scott buries himself in the investigation of a modern body dug up at an undisturbed sixteenth-century site. (I see the humor in buries and dug up references ;) Mike’s investigation leads him back to Sam's death (because – why?). Sam’s passion for history doesn’t explain the existence of a time machine Sam 'forgot' to mention. Besides, Mike's more used to burying the past than revisiting it.<br /><br />The time machine, however, offers more adventure than Mike's had since quitting the army. On a trip to Tudor England, he realizes this is a way to save Sam. Mike will gladly (trade?) his life for Sam's, but, after a few trips round the loop, he realizes they've been there, done that. And the overuse of the machine to change the past, has trapped everyone in a time loop stuck on endless repeat.<br /><br />The time machine epitomizes evil… it can't be resisted and it can't be destroyed. Unless Mike can find a solution in his own past, the only way out is for one of them to die. And stay dead. Love this ending!!)<br /><br />First 250 has a nice start and I'd keep reading!<br /><br />best of luck!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15663085337949461203noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4794648014067102242.post-61359215066173170432016-02-22T12:46:41.253-05:002016-02-22T12:46:41.253-05:00Query: I'm definitely intrigued. Second paragr...Query: I'm definitely intrigued. Second paragraph, instead of "modern" - which confused me until I'd reread it - I'd use "fresh". And I'd specify "archeological site". Also, you use "buried" a lot, though not in connection with actual bodies, which you also discuss...it's interesting, but if intentional, I'm not *quite* catching what you're trying to do.<br /><br />Anyway, this query is pretty darned good, and the concept is AWESOME. Good goal, good stakes.<br /><br />First 250, I like it. Great voice. First paragraph, I'm not quite catching what MC is trying to say here. I'm seeing the relation between kids being told a pet has "gone to live with a new family" even though the pet is actually dead...and them being told that about their dad. But dad is actually just divorcing them, right? I REALLY love the analogy, I'd just make it clearer, if that's what you're going for. "It was like when mom had told us our dog Rooster had gone to live with another family..." Something like that maybe.<br /><br />Awesome entry. Thanks :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4794648014067102242.post-87204258175911712392016-02-22T09:53:02.718-05:002016-02-22T09:53:02.718-05:00Query: The first sentence is great and makes me wa...Query: The first sentence is great and makes me want to know more. However, I think you can tighten this a bit. Remove the 'buts' and the passive sentences.<br /><br />"The time machine can't be resisted and it can't be destroyed." Great tagline! Consider making it the first sentence.<br /><br />250 words: Great voice. I definitely wanted to keep reading. <br /><br />Great job!<br />Yolanda Renéehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09085436784133103221noreply@blogger.com